Archive for the ‘NERDSTEAK – Food View’ Category

photo

 

 

 

 

 

If it’s first thing in the morning
Or the last thing at night,
Bacon will make life better
Even if it’s just a bite

You might bake it in the oven
Or crisp it in a pan,
Salty, smokey, fatty goodness
Brings the joy only bacon can

The aroma will fill a room
instantly gathering a crowd,
Your bacon will magically disappear
as if ascending to a cloud

Bacon has found its way
into many culinary creations,
Breakfast, lunch, dinner, desserts,
Even some odd libationsSo if you need a tasty snack
the ultimate in food inventions,
Grab a slab of bacon
You’re welcome, with good intentions

ID-10017690

If you are looking to start your own hipster-attracting restaurant, or not sure if you have just walked into a cool (like Arcade Fire cool) trendy new joint, here are a few notes that will point you in the right direction:

 

 

  1. You must write your entire menu and drink list in vibrant bright chalk with goofy bubbly, or ‘Old English’ script.  This will make you patrons think you have a rotating seasonal menu and liquor options.  Make sure to never change your menu to even further confuse your guests.
  2. Print your menu on cheap parchment that easily gets dirty, as well as use odd names, vague menu descriptions, and exotic sounding or upscale words for relatively simple food items.
  3. Your tables, chairs, dinnerware, and overall design should look old, beat-up, communal, and look sporadic.  In fact, purposely acquire things that don’t match.  This will make your hipster guests happy as it will remind them of their hairstyle,  fashion, and overall lackadaisical attitude.
  4. Set up photo booths with odd lighting at each table so patrons an Instagram photos of everything they eat or drink.
  5. Make sure to only serve microbrew and exotic alcohols that no one is familiar with.  However, PBR is the exception, and due to the hipsters, the price is continuing to go up.
  6. Have you waitstaff only communicate to guests via social networks.  Also, keep your restaurant or bar bright since most people will be wearing huge sunglasses.
  7. Only play 80’s cartoons, cheesy B-grade horror classics, or foreign films on your TV screens, especially when major local sporting events are on.  Also, only Indie bands in the juke-box.
  8. Make a conscience effort to support skinny jeans, and high waisted Mom pants in your vicinity.
  9. There should be a minimal noise decibel level  coming from the jewelry, chains, necklaces, and bracelets worn by all staff and customers.
  10. Don’t clean too much.
  11. Keep a small stage available for the freedom of expression.
  12. Make sure to segregate any non-hipster like individuals who come into the restaurant or bar, and berate them with strange questions about weird books, or composting.
  13. Serve Totino’s pizza rolls as an appetizer to be ironic.
  14. Reuse food other people don’t eat to save the environment.

What did I miss?

 

  • Skinny – You get to wear smaller sized cloths and look good
  • Fit – You get to wear tighter fitting cloths and look sexy

 

  • Skinny – Success is measured in pounds
  • Fit – Success is measured in inches, and how many pounds you can move

 

  • Skinny – You save money on food because you don’t eat much
  • Fit – You get to eat a LOT of food, and work it off if needed

 

  • Skinny – It is easier for your significant other to pick you up
  • Fit – It is easier to pick up your significant other

 

  • Skinny – Perfect…if you like doing nothing
  • Fit – You can run up stairs, pick up heavy stuff, and not struggle when trying to stand up

 

  • Skinny – You are breakable
  • Fit – You break stuff

 

  • Skinny – Things still jiggle
  • Fit – Rock solid

 

  • Skinny – Results from doing nothing
  • Fit – Results from doing things other people can’t

 

Please add some more if you have any!

ID-100157591

Now you don’t have to wait for a ‘celebrity’ chef to walk through your doors to fix your failing restaurant.  Here are 4 simple things you can do to turn around your failing establishment…

  1. CLEAN – Clean your kitchen, clean your dining room, clean the outside of your restaurant.  For whatever reason people seem to forget that a clean restaurant inside and out is a lot more inviting than a dumpster.  Once you do a massive cleaning job on your place, the general upkeep really isn’t that hard or time consuming.  Once you get a great score from the health department, give me a shout out and post your results for all to see.
  2. SIMPLIFY – Unless you are a high volume, large capacity restaurant, long gone are the days of the 10 page menu.  Streamline your menu so consumers know what your schtick is.  This will also greatly improve your food cost, cut down on prep time, and make it easier for the BOH to execute.  Would you rather be great at a few things or not so good at a lot of things?
  3. MODERNIZE – Go to your local fast casual restaurant, and you will notice many are moving away from that old person basement look of random junk everywhere.  The best part about a modern, open, inviting look to your dining room is that it is not expensive.  Just like in the TV shows, you most likely have plenty of good stuff in your restaurant, you just need to remove the bad.
  4. TRAIN – I had no idea that so many employees don’t know the true meaning of customer service!  Regardless if they know your menu or are knowledgable about your wine list, they should be proper, polite, and responsive to your guests needs.  Since you should already have SIMPLIFIED your menu, it will be that much easier to train your staff.  Make sure there is some type of chain of command for any situation, then your place will start to run itself.

ID-100107994Feel free to send me a check when your bottom line goes from red to green.  If you need someone to come in and do it for you, I am much quicker to respond than those ‘celebrity’ chefs!

ID-10066072Last night I witnessed the most epic of fails at my local gym…lets call it ‘Ex Sport Gym’.  I had a front row seat (well second row of stair climbers) to the most unsanitary buffet I have ever seen in my life.  I guess it was member appreciation day, so the managers of the gym thought it would be a good idea to provide free food to us people trying to lose weight.  I, of course, did not partake as you will soon find out why.  Below are my observations about the cesspool of grossness I had the pleasure to view first hand.

  • A buffet line consisting of a nacho bar, salad, bagels, and pizza were set up directly in front of a line of work out equipment actively being used.  I am literally saying one foot away from open food are people dripping with sweat, breathing profusely, and churning up all kinds of air born particles which are now gently settling all over your food.
  • None of the food was either kept warm or cold in any way.  They provided plastic utensils, plates, and napkins but there were no proper serving utensils of any kind.  Some of the gym employees would ‘tidy’ up the table by literally grabbing the end of the plastic utensils reserved for cutting your food and putting in your mouth, and grouping them together on the table.  Furthermore, there are no hand washing stations anywhere near the food for the employees or gym goers.
  • Some of the highlights of the bacteria buffet include: numerous people using their thumb and a small plastic fork to grab the salad (mmmmm thumb salad!).  I watched a gentleman lift up his sweaty shirt, wipe himself down with a sweaty towel, and use the same bare hands to grab handfuls of tortilla chips for his nachos.  I watched a lady use a small plastic spoon to add dressing to her salad, taste the dressing off of the spoon to make sure she liked it, put that SAME spoon back in the community dressing bowl for more, then leave the spoon for the next participant in the food poisoning buffet.
  • I watched small children rip apart numerous pieces of pizza right after wiping their nose, only to grab a small corner piece and leave the rest for the ‘snot-a-roni’ fans out there.  I watched a mother with a young child held up above her hip, reach over and grab bare handfuls of cheese, while the kid was directly hovering over pizza, with corn shrapnel from the tortilla chips the kid was eating falling upon the already snotafide delights.
  • The employees of the gym would organize the food by man-handling the pieces and combining the platters of food.
  • I witnessed countless acts of finger licking, followed by food grabbing throughout the show.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy a proper buffet from time to time, but this had to be the greatest display of nasty, cross contaminating, sweat dripping, booger eating, double dipping, flinger licking, human fluid transfer I have ever seen!

Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this???

photo