The Modern Food TV Show – Chef Trolling

Here are some of the things you need to do in order to have a hip and trendy new ‘food show’…

• Make sure to talk extremely loud even though modern technology allows you to speak at a normal decibel level. Demand peoples attention.  (Thanks Billy Mays)
• You need to walk around, drive, or take public transportation when traveling to your destination.  Make sure your camera man films you all jerky-like and off center.
• Make fun of your guest or patrons allowing your ego to shine through to your audience.  You know how to cook their food better than them anyway.
• Always make weird, loud noises when eating food.  Take gargantuan bites and allow food to drip down your arm.  Everything you eat is always the best ever!
• Use descriptive words that don’t actually describe what you are eating.  ‘This is an extremely flavorful, super-awesome dish! It is bomb-diggity, monster-delicious, yum-yum food which will make you happy.’ (So what does it taste like?)
• Let your audience know what the secret ingredients are to spoil the suspense.
• Dip your unwashed hands into all of the items being prepared…sneezing would be better.
• Interview all of the patrons who are most likely to give you a standard boring response. (This place is the best in town!)
• Never discuss the long hours, hard work, low income, and failure rate of restaurants.  Your makeup person will hide the bags under the chefs eyes, and paint a smile on their face.
• If someone isn’t as outgoing as you, make them feel uncomfortable.
• If your guest doesn’t have a happy, sad, or funny backstory…don’t have them on the show.
• Wear inappropriate clothing in the kitchen, such as excess jewelry, flip-flops, baggy cloths, and unbuttoned shirts.  Bring sexy back as well.
• Don’t ever show anyone cleaning anything.
• If it is not farm to table, it can’t possibly be good.

Does anyone else have any shenanigans to add???

The not-so-bad downside of people knowing you are a chef…

• We usually don’t have a ‘favorite’ dish, so stop asking.  We can cook whatever we want, whenever we want, depending on our mood.  What we have a taste for today, might change tomorrow.
• Please continue to cook for us!  We are not judgmental and will not critique your food if you are doing it for enjoyment.  We didn’t pay to eat at your house so we won’t complain if our steak is overcooked.
• We are more than happy to help, but don’t expect us to ‘man-the-grill’ every time you invite us over.  If we wanted to cook today, you would be at our house.
• Cooking with the best and finest ingredients is expensive! Don’t assume we are eating foie gras, truffles, and saffron for every meal.
• Most chef’s realize that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and personal taste. Don’t be afraid to tell us what foods you like, or DON’T like.
• Some chefs cook ALL day and ALL night at work…we don’t ALWAYS cook at home.
• Our specialty is knowing how to cook.  Don’t assume that a BBQ chef from the south doesn’t know how to cook classical French cuisine.
• This amazing thing called the internet has a wealth of knowledge about food, cooking, and technique.  Feel free to use it instead of asking us.
• We can clean stains out of white cloths, and wash dishes & floors much better than you.
• I would give you the recipe, but we don’t use them. (Excluding bakers!)

Do you have any to add???

Weight Loss Diet vs. Weight Maintain Diet

For those who are just starting out on their diet adventure, unlike what most personal trainers and nutritionist say , your restrictive diet and exercise plan is only temporary! Too often, people do not adjust their plans after achieving their goals.  After you have shed those unwanted pounds or even start to see the outlines of what almost could be a six-pack, you have to adjust your eating habits and exercise schedule for your next goal.

I recommend that starting out (assuming you are in the weight/fat loss stage,) you consume a low fat/lower calorie volumetric diet as well as an exercise plan based around using your fat stores as energy.  You will want to eat a lot of low calorie but nutritionally dense foods to keep you full and energized (chicken, lean fish, vegetables, whole grains…) along with more frequent, smaller meals.  You will want an exercise regiment consisting of 30 to 45 minute activities followed by a small intake of calories.  If you like to spend a lot of time at the gym, make sure you are still consuming calories every 30 to 45 minutes which will keep your body using some of your stored fat along with the protein/carbs you are consuming (see my previous metabolism post.)

The wonderful part about this plan is when you do finally hit your target goal…lets say you lose the 30 pounds of fat you didn’t want, you can now switch your diet to more of a weight maintain version of your previous plan.  Along with adding back some of the fat you removed, you can now be a bit more lenient overall and increase some of your portion sizes.  At this point you will also be increasing the difficultly of your workout (same routine but faster paced or increased weight and reps).  This ALSO means that you will have more muscle mass, and will be burning more calories, which ALSO means you can eat more calories throughout the day and still maintain your current weight!

This applies to both men and women.  Women do not have to be bulky to increase there muscle mass and benefit from this type of diet plan.  I feel that this system overall help with those fluctuating dieters who try to stick to a super intensive plan only to fall off the wagon and have to start over again.  This plan rewards you by allowing you to eat more food as time goes on.  It also stresses more of the exercise portion to be the buffer when you feel like a sunday afternoon BBQ feast.

Do you have any tips or trick for anyone looking to follow this type of diet/exercise plan?

Chef Tricks – Pro Tools

Here are a few key items that can upgrade your cooking skills from amateur to PRO status:

•Mandoline – You can slice, dice, and even make french fries.  If you think a chef is spending time slicing that radish paper thin for your salad, you are mistaken.  If you need to get a perfect dice, or baton even, start with a mandoline slice, then finish with a chefs knife.  Need to sliced potatoes for a gratin…the mandoline is your best bet.

•Blender – I want to make an ‘xyz’ puree…BLENDER.  I want to whip up a vinaigrette or mayonnaise from scratch…BLENDER.  I feel like a pistachio cilantro pesto on my salmon…BLENDER.  I love cream of broccoli soup…BLENDER…blender.

•Stand Mixer – No matter what brand you prefer, you can whip, blend, fold, kneed, grind and stuff all with the same piece of equipment. Multi-tasking at its finest, in some case you can set it…AAANNNDDD?

•Ice – Being a master with something as simple as ice can make your ingredient prep. pro level.  In a fast, high volume restaurant, do you think they are always cooking your risotto or pasta from raw product to order?  Do you think every batch of sauce is cooked and held hot? Nothing helps with speed, and quality control than cooking and cooling food items in an ice bath.  Perfect for vegetables when wanting to keep a bright green color with a tender mouthfeel.  Holding foods hot changes its color, flavor, and appearance.  Cooling hot foods fast to refrigerated temperatures is also a food safety bonus!

•Silpat – The most non-sticky bulletproof pan liner you can find.  It will hold up to high over temperatures, melted sugar and will keep coming back for more.  Baked goods don’t stand a chance, and neither does anything else for that matter.

•Strainer/cheese cloth combo – A chinois is also acceptable, but if you ever wondered how a chefs sauce or soup is nice and smooth with no lumps or grittiness, its because the strain out the bad stuff.  Is your gravy or cheese sauce a little to chunky?  Toss it into a strainer with a few layers of cheese cloth and save the day.

What are some of your favorite cooking tools that make you feel pro???