Recipe For A Hipster Restaurant – Effortlessly Cool

If you are looking to start your own hipster-attracting restaurant, or not sure if you have just walked into a cool (like Arcade Fire cool) trendy new joint, here are a few notes that will point you in the right direction:

 

 

1. You must write your entire menu and drink list in vibrant bright chalk with goofy bubbly, or ‘Old English’ script.  This will make you patrons think you have a rotating seasonal menu and liquor options.  Make sure to never change your menu to even further confuse your guests.
2. Print your menu on cheap parchment that easily gets dirty, as well as use odd names, vague menu descriptions, and exotic sounding or upscale words for relatively simple food items.
3. Your tables, chairs, dinnerware, and overall design should look old, beat-up, communal, and look sporadic.  In fact, purposely acquire things that don’t match.  This will make your hipster guests happy as it will remind them of their hairstyle,  fashion, and overall lackadaisical attitude.
4. Set up photo booths with odd lighting at each table so patrons an Instagram photos of everything they eat or drink.
5. Make sure to only serve microbrew and exotic alcohols that no one is familiar with.  However, PBR is the exception, and due to the hipsters, the price is continuing to go up.
6. Have you waitstaff only communicate to guests via social networks.  Also, keep your restaurant or bar bright since most people will be wearing huge sunglasses.
7. Only play 80’s cartoons, cheesy B-grade horror classics, or foreign films on your TV screens, especially when major local sporting events are on.  Also, only Indie bands in the juke-box.
8. Make a conscience effort to support skinny jeans, and high waisted Mom pants in your vicinity.
9. There should be a minimal noise decibel level  coming from the jewelry, chains, necklaces, and bracelets worn by all staff and customers.
10. Don’t clean too much.
11. Keep a small stage available for the freedom of expression.
12. Make sure to segregate any non-hipster like individuals who come into the restaurant or bar, and berate them with strange questions about weird books, or composting.
13. Serve Totino’s pizza rolls as an appetizer to be ironic.
14. Reuse food other people don’t eat to save the environment.

What did I miss?

 

Volumetrics – The Food Eater’s Diet

I like to eat, and I like to be full!

This weight reducing diet is what helped me lose a good portion of the weight I have dropped over the last few years.  This diet is not for everyone, and has some conflicting theories to traditional diet plans.  I personally feel that this weight loss diet is a good way to learn about caloric density of food, to train yourself to eat more meals throughout the day, and is the perfect supplement for those of us who can eat like it’s our job. (For some of us..it is our job)

Basically, this diet plan involves being able to eat larger volumes of food, as long as the food has very low caloric density.  To put this into perspective, place a 100 calorie slice of pizza next to 100 calories worth of celery, and you will see the difference.  Again, in my opinion, I like the idea of eating food until I am full, not eating a specific amount of calories per meal.  However, you will have to do work upfront to understand which foods will fit into a low caloric density category:

• Non-starchy vegetables
• Lean meats and seafood
• Broth based soups and sauces
• Fruits with high water content

High caloric density foods would be items like:

• Fats, oils, butters
• Nuts
• Candy and soda
• White flour or high starch based foods

This diet also promotes relatively high fiber content which can slow down how fast your body absorbs calories.  Brown rice, whole grains, and certain fruits will allow you to stay full longer, which makes timing your meals much easier.  Any doctor or nutritionist will tell you that a diet lower in fat and calories with an increase of lean protein, vegetables, fruit, and whole grain is a winning combination.

There are of course a few tidbits of info I am going to bring up which have helped me along the way that everyone might not agree with.

• First of all, SALT CONTAINS NO CALORIES! You can argue all day long, but salt itself has negligible caloric density, and since you will be eating a low fat diet (fat being flavor) I recommend using salt to compensate for this. Yes, salt with increase your water weight, but that is not FAT and can be flushed out with physical activity. There are of course other health concerns involving a high sodium diet, but physical activity can counter act those negative effects.
• Which brings up my second point, physical activity. Starting out, you wont be running marathons, but as time goes on you should be increasing your physical activity as you become more ‘fit’. At the same time, you can start to slowly transition from very low caloric density foods and incorporate other items like nuts, healthy fats, and caloric dense fruits. Once you build up your ability to burn calories, you can start being a little more lenient on your diet.
• Fat is fat is fat.  Yes I know that olive oil is more ‘healthy’ than butter HOWEVER when speaking about caloric density, they are the same. Fat contains 9 calories per gram if it’s olive oil, corn oil, safflower oil, avocado oil, butter or margarin. Starting out, you will want to limit your overall fat intake. Once you increase your physical activity, you can then start incorporating these healthy fats back into your diet, as well as reducing some salt intake since fat is the greatest thing to happen to food since bacon.
• This diet is not designed for you to drop 10 pounds in a day. You need to stick this out and try to lose 2 or so pounds a week. This is much easier to do while also being full.  This is also not the type of diet to weigh yourself every day. The good part is you get to eat a large volume of food…the not so good part is your weigh will fluctuate more day by day.
• This diet is made to fight boredom. Many people eat for comfort, boredom, or out of habit. If thats the case, grabbing those low caloric density foods is perfect compared to grabbing that bag of chips. Loading your fridge with fresh veggies and low-calorie dressing (SALT SALT SALT) make them a convenience food as well!

There are some fundamentals of the Atkins diet that can apply here as well, but I do not believe in a carbohydrate free diet.  The nature of humans is to use fat AND carbs as energy, but choosing the right carbohydrates at the right time is key.

If you like being full, enjoy finishing your plate, not necessarily following a calorie counting diet, or are a boredom eater, this might be the diet plan for you!

Please feel free to comment with questions other useful information!

Skinny vs. Fit

• Skinny – You get to wear smaller sized cloths and look good
• Fit – You get to wear tighter fitting cloths and look sexy

 

• Skinny – Success is measured in pounds
• Fit – Success is measured in inches, and how many pounds you can move

 

• Skinny – You save money on food because you don’t eat much
• Fit – You get to eat a LOT of food, and work it off if needed

 

• Skinny – It is easier for your significant other to pick you up
• Fit – It is easier to pick up your significant other

 

• Skinny – Perfect…if you like doing nothing
• Fit – You can run up stairs, pick up heavy stuff, and not struggle when trying to stand up

 

• Skinny – You are breakable
• Fit – You break stuff

 

• Skinny – Things still jiggle
• Fit – Rock solid

 

• Skinny – Results from doing nothing
• Fit – Results from doing things other people can’t

 

Please add some more if you have any!

It’s not what you eat, it’s how you use it – History lesson about food and activity level

“When I was your age, we used to go outside and play!”  We have all heard this line before and it basically proves my point about why the food and beverage industry should not be at fault for the obesity problem.

Quick history lesson…potato chips were first massed produced and the first fast food restaurants were introduced in the 1920’s, 7up and Hostess Brands like Wonder sliced white bread were invented in the 30’s and  soda fountains, ice cream parlors, candy stores, and television were all rising in popularity, TV dinners and frozen pizza were introduced in the 50’s; THEN the current obesity problem didn’t start creeping in until the mid 80’s and 90’s.  So for all those years and many generations, the US consumer enjoyed prepared and manufactured foods, all was good with the world.

But now, the food and beverage community is being blacklisted for providing what is now considered unhealthy foods and the cause of the current health and obesity problem.  Does anyone else see a problem with this?  We have at least 60 years when the American consumer utilized prepared and manufactured foods in there diet without an obesity outbreak.  So what else could be the cause?

The wonderful and historical modern technology I am using to communicate this message to you is the cause in my opinion! We are texting, tweeting, facebooking, searching the internet, using smart phones, gaming, staying indoors, working at our computers, and letting technology do everything for us.  People are no longer encouraged to work outside, have jobs that involve manual labor, walk instead of drive, or exercise.

That being said, I love video-games as much the next person, and TV, movies, and the internet are utilized more than they should at my house, but I balance this with physical activity.  Everyone loves to pull information from movies like ‘Super-size Me” or discuss what is being served at schools, but have we discuss the activity level of your average person between the 30’s, the 60’s, the 90’s and now?  I have a feeling you will see a DRAMATIC drop in calorie expenditures while the calorie intake level will have a much slower, steady increase.

20% of an elite Kenyan runner’s diet consist of plain old SUGAR, an average professional athlete is consuming 3000 – 4000 calories a day, and olympic level athletes have been quoted as eating what you might call ‘junk food’ to achieve the 6000 calories needed for top performance.  Michael Phelps can sustain on a 10,000 calorie a day diet which includes: eggs, french toast, pancakes, pizza, and energy drinks, but he has the physical activity to back it up, which proves my point that it’s not what you eat, but how to use it.

Am I the only one who feels activity level is the cause of our obesity problem, and not the food?

Bacon Bleu Cheeseburger Crusted Filet – Need I Say More?

I would like to state right here and now, that I am the originator of the ‘Burger Crusted Steak’.  I used the same burger meat I created yesterday, and packed it around a beef filet, then made magic happen.  This is how you do it…(dun da dun da dun dunnnnnnn):

First you make your bacon bleu burger mix:

• 2 pounds of 90/10 ground chuck (90% lean)
• 1-1/2 pounds raw applewood smoked bacon (pureed in food processor into a paste)
• 8 ounces gorgonzola cheese
• 1 Tbsp. black pepper
• 1 Tbsp. smoked paprika
• 1 Tbsp. chili powder
• 2 Tbsp. granulated garlic

Take a 6 ounce beef filet and flatten it to about 1/2 inch thickness, then season with salt.  Take your ground meat mixture, and liberally pack it around the steak:

On a grill set to super high, grill for about 5 minutes on each side, turning 90° half way through:

Place the burger-steak-beast on a small sheet tray, and bake in a 375°F oven for about 6 more minutes to have a nice medium-rare center (you can adjust your cooking time here to your preferred doneness).  Remove from oven and let sit for at least 5 minutes before cutting into this bad boy and having a party in your mouth!

If  winning was a Bacon Bleu Cheeseburger Crusted Filet…this would be it.  Hopeful this starts a new trend with all the hipster-foodies out there, and I get the occasional shout-out.  \\..//

Bacon Puree – The new ‘pink slime’ turned into a slider

Bacon.

It is my favorite food group.  In a previous post I used bacon puree to make bacon chips.  I have taken bacon slime to new heights with what I like to call a ‘3B slider’.  I wanted to make the ultimate bacon slider using fresh blended bacon puree seen below. This is 100% real applewood smoked bacon pureed in a food processor.

For the burger patty, I blended together:

 

• 2 pounds of 90/10 ground chuck (90% lean)
• 1-1/2 pounds of bacon puree
• 8 ounces of Gorgonzola crumbles
• 1 Tbsp. black pepper
• 1 Tbsp. smoked paprika
• 1 Tbsp. chili powder
• 2 Tbsp. granulated garlic

This mixture will be a lot looser than your average ground beef so I think it works best as a slider.  I formed these bad boys into small patties, then cooked them on a SUPER hot grill for about 1 minute and 30 seconds a side.  I assembled them on small dinner rolls with buffalo aioli, 2 hour caramelized onions, green leaf lettuce, and garlic pickle slices:

Juicy and flavorful doesn’t even begin to describe these little nuggets of joy.  I also recommend cooking them to about medium well (yeah thats right!) to have a super nice crust to the patty.  You have a combo of salty and creamy from the bacon-gorgonzola patty, sweetness from the onions, and heat from the buffalo aioli.  You can thank me later.

Let me know what you use bacon puree in!

 

Metabolism For Dummies – Explained Via Analogy

Here is a quick explanation on how metabolism works in regards to your diet.  Yes, many factors affect your overall metabolism (age, sex, muscle, physical activity), but this analogy will discuss why smaller meals more frequent is the way to go for successful weight loss.

• YOU ARE A MACHINE – You are a car.  You run on fuel, and get a certain amount of miles per gallon (this is your metabolism).  Some gas is better than others, however for this explanation,  we are converting gas into general calories.  So to sum it up, the amount of miles you travel compared to how much gas you have in the car will represent how well your metabolism is working.

• RAN OUT OF GAS – Let say you have no gas in your car.  Your car will, of course, not move.  It is a fact that when you consume little to no calories, your metabolism is inactive.  Your body will stop utilizing gas (calories) as its energy, and start breaking down the internal car parts to move.  I don’t think I have to tell you that this is bad.  Many people who are on a very calorie restrictive diet who also work out a lot will find it hard to lose weight because your body is trying to hold on to as much as it can to function normally, while using what it does’t think is important as energy. YOUR CAR WON’T MOVE WITHOUT GAS.

• TO MUCH GAS – Your car has a gas tank that can expand and can hold WAY more gas than it needs.  You can fill it up as much as you want, and your car will work VERY hard, but your car will move SLOWLY.  All of that gas is weighing your car down and decreasing your miles per gallon.  You are producing excess exhaust and making your engine parts dirty.  Overfilling your gas tank will cause some gas to spill out and unfortunately, your car absorbs this excess weight as ‘hard to use gas’ aka…fatty fat fat.  YOU DON’T NEED ALL THAT GAS.

• JUST RIGHT – When you fill up your gas tank just enough to get to your next destination, you win.  You have found that happy medium of the right amount of gas for the right amount of miles. When you are traveling, and you are running out of gas in this mode, you will coast to the next gas station to refuel (coasting is my way of saying fat/weight loss).  You are getting the best miles per gallon because you are not being weighed down, and you have gas to move.  Your parts are running very efficiently and your system know how to handle the waste.  For longer road trips, you can add more gas to the tank, but just enough to handle the extended distance. JUST ENOUGH GAS IS GOOD.

As stated earlier, this is in regards to your diet.  If you have a high tech car with super premium gas, you will have better performance.  Certain model cars just work better than other.  Upgrading your car parts will increase its ability to run.  Now how hard is that to understand???

Eat smaller meals more often Speed-Racer!

4 Keys To Fix Your Restaurant

Now you don’t have to wait for a ‘celebrity’ chef to walk through your doors to fix your failing restaurant.  Here are 4 simple things you can do to turn around your failing establishment…

1. CLEAN – Clean your kitchen, clean your dining room, clean the outside of your restaurant.  For whatever reason people seem to forget that a clean restaurant inside and out is a lot more inviting than a dumpster.  Once you do a massive cleaning job on your place, the general upkeep really isn’t that hard or time consuming.  Once you get a great score from the health department, give me a shout out and post your results for all to see.
2. SIMPLIFY – Unless you are a high volume, large capacity restaurant, long gone are the days of the 10 page menu.  Streamline your menu so consumers know what your schtick is.  This will also greatly improve your food cost, cut down on prep time, and make it easier for the BOH to execute.  Would you rather be great at a few things or not so good at a lot of things?
3. MODERNIZE – Go to your local fast casual restaurant, and you will notice many are moving away from that old person basement look of random junk everywhere.  The best part about a modern, open, inviting look to your dining room is that it is not expensive.  Just like in the TV shows, you most likely have plenty of good stuff in your restaurant, you just need to remove the bad.
4. TRAIN – I had no idea that so many employees don’t know the true meaning of customer service!  Regardless if they know your menu or are knowledgable about your wine list, they should be proper, polite, and responsive to your guests needs.  Since you should already have SIMPLIFIED your menu, it will be that much easier to train your staff.  Make sure there is some type of chain of command for any situation, then your place will start to run itself.

Feel free to send me a check when your bottom line goes from red to green.  If you need someone to come in and do it for you, I am much quicker to respond than those ‘celebrity’ chefs!

Restaurant Pet Peeves – 1st World Problems

For whatever reason, I get upset over the smallest things when I go out to eat.  I want my dining experience to be as smooth as Sinatra.  Here are a few that make me want to chuck plates at people…

• IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU – Please pretend that you are happy to see me and appreciate my business.  I don’t care if you are having a bad day.  If you ruin my day, your boyfriend/girlfriend problems are going to be the least of your worries.  You also won’t have any tip money for gas to get home.

• DOING IT ANYWAY – As you walk me through the labyrinth of tables during a prime time dinner service, we arrive at my table which looks like someone has been using a circular saw on a 2×4.  Crumbs, napkins, plates, and a tip are all on the table, and you tell me to have a seat and we’ll get this cleaned up right away, then you run to get the busboy??? If anything, I would feel better if YOU yourself started to clean the table and offer your condolences since you should notice my big bald head starting on fire.  The same goes for when you give me a dirty glass, plate, or flatware.  I KNOW you saw it and gave it to me anyway.

• COLD BUTTER – Excellent! The server has brought out what appears to be a fresh loaf of crusty bread that is warm to the touch, as well as a ramekin/pat/ball/stick of butter.  As soon as I try and scoop some up with my knife and smear it on my artisan bread, I sand a hole in my piece because the butter is right out of the FRIDGE!  How do you expect me to spread something that has the viscosity of modeling clay on my hand crafted slice of pumpernickel?  Maybe if you planned ahead and let my butter temper for a bit, I would not hurl my ice cube butter ball through your window.

• BUSINESS SAVY  – Do I want to try your…”insert up-selling item here”??? You mean the one I saw a commercial for, and read on your billboard, and saw a big picture of in your front window, and is on the specials board in the front of the restaurant, and is on the table tent, and is on the new menu insert, and is written on your actual menu?  If I wanted it, you would know already.

• GGOOOGOLEDEND – That is exactly what it sounds like when you walk up to me while I am enjoying my meal, and obviously chewing it, then ask me questions. I don’t care if it is a fine dining restaurant or Shenanigans, a server should almost be like a ghost and provide you with everything you need without interfering.  Please wait for me to stop talking to my party or chewing my food before asking if my meal is to my liking.  When you walk up to my table, I will acknowledge your existence before you can speak.  In return, I will never snap my finger, or yell for you to cater my every need.

• TIMING IS EVERYTHING – If I wanted a buffet I would have went to a buffet.  Thank you for bringing my appetizer, salad, and entree all at the same time.  Could you please just mix them all together and give me a shovel?

• NOT MY PROBLEM – One server is slammed while the other ones are in the back playing Candy Crush and watching water boil.  They casually walk past tables with empty drinks, and dirty dishes.  I SEE YOU not doing anything so why not grab a dirty glass and bring it to the BOH before I start unscrewing all of the salt and pepper caps.

• KING OF THE CASTLE – I try to keep a low-ish profile at a restaurant because it’s a public place.  If you decide to bring everyone and their mother and THEIR kids, could you please try not to invade my dining experience?  I don’t want to hear you scream, I don’t want to have a staring contest with your child, and I don’t need to know how your last doctor visit went.  Maybe even make a small effort to clean up after yourself or organize your dirty tableware.  I’m sure this is how you act at home too.

What are some of your restaurant pet peeves?

Pretend To Be Smart – Fancy Food Terms v1

Here are a few fancy food terms that will make you sound like a culinarian at you next kegger…

HEIRLOOM – such as ‘heirloom tomatoes’.  These are types of food items that have never been developed for large scale agriculture.  They are usually grown in small quantities in parts of the world you have never been to.  These varieties of grown food have no hybrid varieties, and utilizes natural pollination methods.  Generations after generations grow one particular variety of crop without the interference of ‘The Man’.  In other words, This is the same strain of plant, or seed that was around 75, 100, or even thousands of years.  For all you natural fans, this means no GMO’s of any kind, and due to ‘survival of the fittest’, they grow great in whatever region they are from, but have a tough time anywhere else.  Expect to pay a little more than your average variety, and if you grown them yourself, make sure you get some kind of confirmation that your seeds are actually heirloom, due to shenanigans.

ANCIENT – such as ‘ancient grains’. Very similar to heirloom, these are grains, seeds, or plant life that have been unchanged for 1000’s of years like quinoa, amaranth, spelt, Kamut, and many others.  These are very different from mass produced corn, rice, and common wheat that have been selectively developed for years for optimal growing. Ancient grains are said to be super healthy, usually containing high amounts of protein, fiber, and nutrients.  Some of these grains are still not safe for people with wheat allergies, but some are, so do your homework. You will also pay a little more for these, and they usually have a long cook time compared to what you are used to.

ARTISAN – such as ‘artisan pizza crust’.  Unfortunately, this word as no standard of identity in the food world and lost most of its meaning when the food marketing professionals of the world slapped it on everything.  Originally, it stated that a skilled food craftsman created, developed, or cooked your food item.  It means that your product is not manufactured, but made by a person, you know…with his or her own hands and the sweat on his or her brow (hopefully not dripping into your food).  Small cheese, beer, or bread makers who create things from scratch usually would call their products artisanal.  But, as stated earlier, it now just means a little better than a standard product.  There is no one to regulate this term, so use it however you like.

NOTES – such as ‘flavor notes’.  This wine has notes of late harvest elderberry and raisin yada, yada, yada.  It means it kind of taste like it has ‘XYZ’ in it.  You can use this word if you have no idea what something really tastes like, but want to put your two sense in.  Say something like, “very strange, I pick up some notes of lawn trimmings and wet dog in my PBR”.

FORCEMEAT – such as ‘uuummm forcemeat’.  Take your charcuterie terminology to the next level!  This term describes ground lean meats blended with fat and usually formed in some way.  Yes kind of like sausage.  Actually, it is exactly like sausage, and I recommend using this term as much as possible.

CRUDITES – Yeah, those platters of vegetables with ranch in the middle all packaged real nice from your grocery store…thats what crudités is.  Raw vegetables with sauce.  Classy.

GASTRONOME  – Call yourself this, because it means you like fancy food shenanigans.

What are some of your favorite food terms???